Don't Stop Readin'

I have been meaning to review this “book” for a loooong time and now that I am so free in my vacations, I finally did it.

Whenever I tell people that I hate 50 Shades they snap back at me instead saying things like “Why did you read it when you know it’s bad?” So, I want to clarify that I read 50 Shades almost a year back, probably the same week it had appeared on Bestseller’s list, I keep a close check on that list every week. At that time I didn’t even know what it was about (as I ignore the blurbs) or if it was a Twilight fanfic. If someone had told me, I swear I wouldn’t have read it. But I’m here to tell you – DO NOT READ this book. (Its probably too late to mention that) but I’ll do it anyway. It’s pathetic and extremely disrespectful to women and not to forget that it is every feminist’s nightmare.
Everything from plot to characters to the language is painfully atrocious.

The story goes something like this – A mousy looking girl named Anastasia goes to a huge company for some chore her friend requests her to do, stumbles across its billionaire owner, Christian Grey who is insanely attractive in a dark and sexy kind of way. The next thing we know, they are fucking each other because Ana doesn’t have any shred of self-esteem and well, Christian is a guy.
But here’s the so-called ‘element that makes 50 Shades of Grey an interesting read’. Christian Grey likes to have BDSM sex with women. He pays them to be his submissive for about a few days or months. He has a freaking Playroom (or as Ana called it ‘Red Room of Pain’) in his mansion which consists of innumerable whips, chains, cuffs etc. To make things even gross he makes them sign some sort of contract which has about 16 rules and regulations. These rules include that the Submissive should follow Dom’s instructions etc etc and things like she should work out every week so she is ready to take Grey’s ‘sexual assault’, her diet plan to keep her fit so she doesn’t pass out while shagging and getting punched in the rectum.

Here is Ana’s conclusion after taking a tour of Playroom –

“Weirdly all the wood, dark walls, moody lighting, and oxblood leather makes the room kind of soft and romantic… I know it’s anything but, this is Christian’s version of soft and romantic. “

ARE YOU? FUCKING? KIDDING ME?
That dungeon of a room is romantic to you?
That guy plans to beat you and fuck your brains out and you have nothing but love for him? Go choke on your sexism and die.
Another thing I'm told when I express my disregard for this book is that I don’t really know what BDSM is, they maybe right about that. BUT, to be honest I don’t really care what a person’s sexual preference is, they like to be used as a rag doll in a bedroom - that’s not my problem! My issue with this is that Christian Grey apart from the bedroom starts dominating Ana’s whole life. He doesn't give her any breathing space. He is always imposing and dictating every aspect of her life, when she tries to defy him he starts making her feel guilty and in the end she starts submitting to his will.
Really? You can let a guy take over your life just like that? Well, I have nothing more to say to you other than that you need professional help, my dear.

Now, Ana was asked to be his submissive and she could’ve said no. But as I’ve mentioned earlier she has no self-esteem, just because she finds Christian attractive and being his sub is the only way to be close to him even though she hates to be dominated, she agrees.

Now starts their love story.

Hoo-boy.

This business was supposed to be no strings attached but for reasons no one knows they start falling for each other. Most of the time Christian seemed more interested in beating the crap out of Ana rather than having sex with her, honestly. Sometimes it was so much that she felt sour in her knees and couldn’t even walk! Doesn’t that sound utterly disgusting to you? I can’t believe people find all of this romantic.
Who’d like to get bruised and beaten up so badly on a daily basis just so she could live with a handsome guy? Geez, girls are not so weak, we’d never agree to anything like this only because a guy like Christian is asking us to!

The writing is horrific too. Description of everything is so bland and dreadful that you wouldn’t feel aroused for a moment. Only thing that came to my mind while reading the deplorably written sex scenes was that this Christian dude REALLY needed to control his sex-aholism or there might have been a case of death-by-sex at his hands pretty soon.
The book is told from Ana’s perspective and that chick was exceedingly boring and not to dismiss the fact that that her top floor was almost empty. She constantly gave out Bella Swan-vibes, no wonder this book was a Twilight fanfic. *yawns*
While having rugged intercourse with Christian someone called ‘inner goddess’ used to pop up inside her. She’d suddenly be like, ‘my inner goddess applauds at me for sucking his dick properly’ ‘my inner goddess appreciates my efforts to impress my master’. Jesus! She had some serious Bipolar syndrome issues to cover.!

Talking of issues – There must obviously be a reason for Christian’s sadistic behavior. And that was revealed halfway through 2nd book, if I am not wrong. (No I haven’t read it, just skimmed through it). So, Grey’s issue was that his mommy’s pimp used to abuse him and his mom when he was young and that’s why when he grew up he started taking out all his angst on women who looked similar to his mother. When he told this to Ana, her reaction was this –

"Then it hit me like a wrecking ball. If he's a sadist, he really needs all that whipping and caning shit. Oh fuck. I put my head in my hands. "So it's true," I whisper, glancing up at him, "I can't give you what you need." This is it - this really does mean we are incompatible."

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU REACT WHEN A GUY TELLS YOU THAT YOU REMIND HIM OF HIS MOTHER! THAT TOO IN A BEDROOM FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Three cheers to E.L. James for coming up with the dumbest possible story and characters in the history of literature. Doesn’t get worse than this. The whole book series is so ridiculous that poking my eyes out seemed like a fun activity to me. Everything about it is so unreal in an incoherent way that I swear to God I felt like banging my head on the wall!

I curse the day I downloaded this book piece of toilet paper, I do.
I will never EVER forgive myself for committing that blunder.
This book has taught me to read the blurbs on the cover first AND make sure it is not just another shitty fan fic.

My eyes and ears were bleeding, my whole brain had jammed and had stopped functioning by the time I finished it. Why? Oh God WHY? Just tell me WHY would someone even write something like this and worse, WHY WOULD SOMEONE THINK THESE BOOK ARE ADDICTIVE?

Why would you think Christian Grey is smouldering hot and the man of your dreams?

Just answer me this – W.H.Y?

This was the book that inspired me to create a THIS-BOOK-GAVE-ME-CANCER shelf a year ago.